Well I registered for GRL 2017 (aka GayRomLit / Gay Romance Literature Retreat) last weekend. I’ll be attending as a general attendee, not as an author, being as I have nothing published [YET. #GOALS]. I will be attending alone, because I have no friends in real life.
*wait a beat… let them question how sad my life really is… okay go*
Just kidding, I have friends. They just aren’t in this genre and/or are not comfortable with the financial aspects of a shindig like this.
I am not really sure what happens at a GayRomLit retreat. I am not sure what happens at any sort of “retreat.” I don’t like going into situations where I don’t know exactly what’s going to be happening. Spontaneity is not my thing. As you may know, I have anxiety, so doing something like this alone is ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY TERRIFYING. But at the same time, really exciting, and I feel pretty confident I can handle myself with minimal breakdowns and/or panic attacks. It is very likely, however, that I will say something stupid to someone and dwell on it for the next 15 years.
Can you ever eventually get over anxiety? Like, could I someday actually not have anxiety? Because if that’s possible, I may be taking steps in that direction. Signing up for GRL alone is immersion therapy. Maybe this time next year I won’t be such a mess.
I do want to tell you a funny story on that note. Sometimes I have “anxiety dreams” when something big is going to happen in my life, and I dream that everything goes horribly wrong. I had them before my wedding, I had them about my new house, I’ve had them about new jobs. So one night last week, I had a dream that I flew to Denver for GRL early–like, now. I had no money for food, I forgot to rent a car, I didn’t tell my friend who I’ll be staying with that I was arriving, and as it would turn out, Denver had relocated to Hokkaido, Japan, and I had to wade through chest-deep snow to get from the plane to the terminal, and no one spoke English.
So… clearly I’m nervous about this.
The outpouring of support as soon as I posted in the GRL2017 attendees’ FB group was amazing and did wonders to assuage my nerves. I’m looking forward to it, beneath all the nervousness. Hopefully by the time October rolls around, I’ll have something(s) published. I have one short story/novella in the works, another on deck, and a third drifting in the ether with just a single scene clear in my mind. Plus I have my urban fantasy novel from NaNoWriMo awaiting revision. Surely something there will be publishable! Right? RIGHT? Ugh.